20 I should be packing

I should be excited for this trip, but I don't know what to expect. Though that should just add to the fun of it, I guess I'm starting to expect for it to be just like our other Vegas trips where we spend most of our time doing nothing inside the hotel room. Mm.

I've been a little pessimistic lately. I don't mean to, but it's really just within myself. I'm at a loss once again. I think this happens every time I go on break when I find myself having free time, enough to contemplate about life and everything around me. I thought I had it all figured out for a while, but now, I don't know again. I don't know what I want to do in my life. It's weird to not have a set path. I guess you can say that I do: finish college, get a job, start a career. But there are so many detours that I can take along the way and I'm just having trouble figuring it all out. I also feel like there are so many things in my life that are holding me back. People can say "Don't let them," but they're important to me. =/

19 Time likes to pressure me

Ah, it's finally Spring Break. Though I welcome this time with open arms, I can't help but feel pressured for time at the same time. Most of my break will be spent at Vegas and Grand Canyon starting Wednesday night. I'm so excited, but I know I don't have much time to hang around and chill out with my hometown friends. Oh well, there will always be time for that later. I'm trying not to let it get to me. But we'll see.

I'm really trying not to let little things bother me as much, but I think I'm just having trouble sorting everything out. There are things that I just don't say out loud. They're unecessary thoughts, but they're still thoughts that sometimes just dwells inside. I wish I could compartmentalize a little better. Everything just comes together and combines into one big pile of mush.

Anyway.. goals check up:

• keep blog updated - well, doing my best.

• get fit - I got sick for a month and gave up last quarter. I know it shouldn't be an excuse! Plus this whole last week, I ate really unhealthily. I can feel myself being unfit. x_x I'm going to start back up in Spring. Hopefully I'll get my beach body by summer hahaha. But if anything, I just want to get stronger, for real.

• read books - fail! =[

• be more outgoing - oh goodness. I say I've been doing well on that. Besides going out on certain events, I've also been putting the effort in hanging out with people that I don't normally hang out with. It's been fun getting to know them more. Even if we're not doing anything in particular, you learn a lot just by observing sometimes.

• take more pictures - check! It's been fun and I love looking back at them =]

• better in school? - not sure yet. Classes were tougher than I expected and I'm still waiting on grades to come out. I'm starting to take it easier, even though I know I will end up being behind in my flowchart and it's getting harder to get classes now. I just want to take random classes or work towards a minor soon. I feel like college is going by too fast, and I just kind of need to slow it down a little bit. I want to be able to enjoy more of the little things and little moments.

18 Billy's Balloon

17 Since I last posted..

A few random trains of thought following an English midterm/final and a can of Monster I've been saving for that special occassion...

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Last week, I attended a SLO Film Festival event that they had on campus. They showed three short films at the library and they give out free tickets for on-campus residents (w00t!). So I got three but could only get one friend to come with me. "The Last Page" by Kevin Acevedo was my favorite. I'm not sure if it will ever be released online, or anywhere actually, so I'm sad that I can't share the film with friends. In the meantime, I'll continue to look for it.

This Friday, I hope to attend the festival again. It's so hard finding fellow art enthusiasts among my group of friends here at Cal Poly!! I guess it's expected when you're surrounded by engineers who seem to have a disagreeable attitude towards liberal arts.. Hopefully we'll be able to take a study break and watch "Love Conquers Paul,"which looks funny and interesting. I hope that it'll be an enjoyable enough experience that more people will come next time.

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Yesterday, I bowled the best game of my life, thus far. 117!! It's the first time I ever scored over a 100 and gotten strikes and spares! I always scored in the 30-50 range before. I improved so much with the help of my friend Ryan, who is currently taking Bowling and gave me tips throughout the afternoon. I was so excited; I had them print out my scores.

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A look into our classrooms... This was one of the classrooms where I spent 3 hours per week last quarter. 

It has no windows, so someone had to draw one in.

16 Untitled

15 Some time to reflect

Ah, I decided not to spend my free hour working on homework, so I'm writing this post... First, let me update you on what's happened. But where do I begin?

Long story short, I've pushed myself to a limit. Not the limit, but a limit. I first meant to say 'exhaustion' but it wasn't really. I guess it was some form of it. I've just had a tough quarter, though I didn't think that it would be at the beginning. It's just that so many things came up all at once two weeks ago. Midterms, labs, homework, club work, some work from home, drama, etc. I really think that I would've been fine had I not been ignoring my health for more than a month... I tend to do that a lot, I know. I bet other people do too. What can you do when everything else seems to be a much higher priority than yourself? But I've learned. Well, we'll see. I finally went to our health center last week and came out with a bag full of medication. I'm doing much better after sleeping in for two days (not in a row, but within the week) along with medicine. 

Some things that I've been aching to get out of my mind... just not having found the right person to talk with, though I've tried.

I'm trying to find a place to live next year, and I'm getting a little antsy about the decision that I need to make. I'm happy to live with my roommates now, don't get me wrong. And I probably wouldn't mind living with them again next year. I know how it is, what it's like, etc. It's just that I'm afraid that I'll end up not liking them/hating it. Sometimes I feel like it'd just be better to live with a stranger or by myself or just with people that I don't mind, if that made any sense.. So many things are changing around me and I just want a place where I can really feel at home. I know that I have places I can run to whenever I don't, but I also want to feel comfortable when I'm just by myself with my own stuff. I guess. Hmm. I don't know. I just want a sense of control, of ownership. I want to be able to walk around and do whatever without feeling like I'm in someone's way. I'll have to think about it some more and see what my options are.

It's been weird lately. Or I've been weird lately. It feels like I'm back in middle/high school, not knowing where the hell I fit in. There isn't one constant group of people that I hang out with. I mean, I guess you could say I hang out with PCE a lot, but there are so many "groups" that I can define within it. I know in my heart that it's good that I can hang out with so many different people, but at the same time, I feel like I don't quite strongly belong with any certain people. It's weird not having that sense of belongingness. There also aren't any people that I'm always with either. Like, you know how when you see one person, you automatically associate them with each other because you see them together all the time? There isn't anyone like that with me. It's just a weird feeling, to realize that I stand so alone amongst a big crowd of people that I know. It's good and it's bad. I'm just at a loss sometimes.

Staring into the camera faces

check out my sick dark eye circles...